she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
