Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
