we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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