He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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