I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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