If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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