I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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