saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
