I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
