Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
