Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
