how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
