Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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