Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
