Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
