Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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