I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
