he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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