I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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