Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
