Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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