I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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