I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
