i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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