i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
