while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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