my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
