no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
