I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
