Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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