I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize