arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
