People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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