I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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