I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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