I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
