Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
