He is an equal opportunity slut.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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