so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
