We won't sleep together?
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize