Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Randomize
