I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
