Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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