just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
