dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
