i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
