I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She's the barista slut.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
