she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize