There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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