I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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