I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I need to align my fucking chakras
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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