If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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