apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
