Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
