I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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