so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
