The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Randomize
