dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
