I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
